Kirst Bisset


Lady Gaga VS Ninja - Celebrity Deathmatch
18 October 2012


Lady Gaga VS Ninja - Celebrity Deathmatch

There seems to be a bit of bad blood between some of the world's more controversial musicians at the moment, if this tweet by Lady Gaga is anything to go by… 

Gaga Tweet

It appears to be a clear sleight of South African Zeffers, Die Antwoord, in response to their parody of Lady Gaga in their latest music video - 'Fatty Boom Boom'. But the spat seems to go back as far as March this year, when Die Antwoord claimed they had turned down a proposal to tour with Gaga, labelling her music as "shitty pop". The controversy began when Ninja, Die Antwoord's frontman, told MTV that they had declined an offer by Gaga to support her on her current Born This Way tour. He further added insult to insult, by saying that his music was on a different level to the pop superstar. Twitter exploded with fans of both artists having a full go at each other, but as with most Twitter flare ups, the excitement had died down with in a few days. All seemed to be calm again, until Die Antwoord's release of their new music video earlier this week. Check it out below...



As expected, Gaga clearly saw the video, and was not amused, as the tweet suggests. So I decided maybe it was time to settle this once and for all, with a Celebrity Deathmatch - Gaga vs Ninja. Unfortunately, the footage is far too graphic to show here on the worldwide web - a place known for its high standards of content and disgust at anything crass. So instead, I will offer you a blow by blow account of the match.

Like most celebrity death matches (ie: any that doesn't involve Rob Schneider or 50Cent) the auditorium is packed! On the one side of the hall we have the Gaga fans - a mix of preppie teenage girls and wanna-be Burlesque dancers. On the other side of the hall, sit Die Antwoord's fans. They are very difficult to differentiate from the cast of The Hills Have Eyes.

Celebrity Deathmatch

Gaga enters first, looking resplendent in her meat dress, but today adding a special touch - Edward Scissorhands tribute gloves, complete with a set of blades that any hairstylist would envy. Die Antwoord's fans salivate, their minds flashing back to countless braais next to the rusted car wreck in their backyard.

Ninja follows a few seconds later, dressed in a white hoodie which has been adorned with replicas of his classy tattoos. The Gaga fans boo him loudly, and he bares his teeth at them, showing a grill that only Lil John could compete with. If Lil John robbed a jewelery store. Yolandi is just behind Ninja, dragging what appears to be a mannequin along the ground. No wait, It's Justin Bieber! Lord knows the sight of the unconscious Biebs will only provoke Gaga more.

The ring announcer steps in and welcomes the crowd, and then introduces the fighters. "In the blood red corner," his voice booms through the auditorium's speakers, "Weighing in at 52 kilograms without makeup, 57 kilograms with makeup - Laaaaaaaadyyyyyyy Gaaaagaaaaaaaaa!!!!" The crowd erupts, a mix of cheering from the one side, and boos from the other.

"And in the lumo blue corner," the announcer shouts, pointing to where Ninja is doing squats, "Weighing in at little more than a janitor's broom - Niiiiiiiiiiiinjaaaaaaaaaaa!!" Again, the auditorium explodes with noise, and a few of Die Antwoord's fans shower the Gaga girls with Klippies and Coke.

NinjaThe bell rings, and Ninja and Gaga are up, circling each other like Jack Black at a buffet. Gaga lunges forward with her scissorhands, going for Ninja's head. Everyone in the room holds their breathe, anything Gaga can do to his hairstyle will only be an improvement. Sadly Ninja is able to avoid her attack, and his do remains intact, insulting every person in the room.

Again the pair circle each other, the ref unsure whether to laugh or call Perez Hilton. Suddenly, Ninja stops dead and his body stiffens. His eyes roll back into his head and he begins chanting something inaudible. The crowd falls silent, and as Gaga stares at her nemesis in confusion, his voice begins to build in volume. "Super Evil, I am your enemy!" he chants repeatedly. Oh my God, Die Antwoord's singer is channelling Watkin Tudor Jones, a great South African artist who died tragically the day Ninja was born!

Suddenly Ninja snaps out of it, and tries his best to focus on Gaga through his pitch black contact lenses. He suddenly pulls a cleaver from the pocket of his tracksuit pants and lunges forward at Gaga, but the pop queen's reaction is to quick. Ninja's attack manages to simply cleave a fresh rump off Gaga's dress, and the piece of meat is sent flying into the crowd. A small fight breaks out among Die Antwoord's fans as they all scramble for the steak, a great addition to the braai later.

Things are getting serious now, and Gaga is tired of having to endure the taunts from these South African wannabes. She pulls out her cellphone and begins tweeting: "You fink you're freaky, but you just want to be me." She hits send and waits for the mandatory 2 million RTs, a smug look on her face. Marilyn Manson immediately retweets Gaga, adding: "That's rich."

Gaga puts her phone away just in time to parry another attack by Ninja, this time armed with braai tongs and Aromat. Yolandi is screaming hysterically - something along the lines of "Moer haar, jou fokken moffie!" - and Ninja is suddenly inspired with a new song idea.

Scissorhands

Now Gaga has had enough. She has a secret weapon in her arsenal, and she is ready to unleash it. Ninja has prepared himself for this, and quickly sticks plugs into his ears, certain that Gaga is about to sing. But she just stands their serenely, and Ninja stares at her, utterly confused as he tries to read her Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pokerface.

Gaga raises her scissorhands to the neckline of her meat dress, and smiles coyly at Ninja. The entire auditorium falls silent in anticipation… What is she going to do next? As expected by Ninja, Gaga suddenly breaks into song:

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes 
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

With three deft snips of the scissorhand gloves, Gaga cuts the meat dress free, and it drops to the floor at her feet. She lifts her hands to shoulder height to present her naked body to Ninja, who recoils in terror. She then begins to rotate on the spot, proudly displaying to everyone in the room the seven inch penis that is hanging between her legs .

Ninja leaps from the ring, grabbing Yolandi and screaming, "It's even bigger than yours!" as the pair sprint for the door. The ref walks up to the naked Gaga, and proudly hoists her right hand into the air. "And the winner is… Lord Gaaaaaaagaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Like I said, it's not really the kind of footage I could share with you on the internet. But at least it's settled… Now we know who would win in a dick-measuring contest between Lady Gaga and Ninja.


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