Why I Went Into Marriage With Divorce In Mind

This post originally appeared on BrightRock’s Change Exchange.

Marriage, that age-old tradition where two soulmates who have searched the universe for each other, finally come together to build a life. Or at least, that’s what we’re told it is, right?

The eternal optimist

I, at least, would like to think that we all get married with the intention of it lasting forever. Regardless of our reasons for marriage, very few even entertain the “D-word” up until that tragic point where the marriage ship has careened into the rocks of irreconcilable differences. And then that once happily married couple just becomes a statistic and a bond installment on their lawyer’s second holiday home.

Looking at the statistics, more and more marriages seem to be disintegrating. According to Stats SA, the divorce rate in South Africa is increasing by between 3% and 5% year on year, with the most current report showing that 24,689 couples got divorced in 2014.

So why aren’t more people thinking about divorce when they first go into a marriage? As unromantic as it may seem, surely you’d rather be prepared for the worst when things are all still rosy?

The logic

Let me give you a little insight into my relationship with my husband. We have been married for just over a year after being together for four and a half years. To say that we are happily married, madly in love and passionately committed to each other would be an understatement. Before getting married, we endured more than most couples should have to in their lifetime. Aside from navigating a long-distance relationship for two years, we battled through financial issues and endured betrayal by friends and business partners, but emerged out the other side stronger and closer than before.

Through our courtship (for want of a better word) we didn’t put any pressure on marriage and took cognisance of how much we had changed as individuals and as a couple in the time leading up to tying the knot. Some changes were very gradual while others were the kind that came crashing in like a meteor, wreaking all kinds of havoc.

When we met, I was a postgrad student heading into my final exams. It was an extremely transitional period filled with uncertainty and an element of frivolousness. I was young, carefree and about to head into the real world. As most students do, my ego was also on steroids.

He was a business owner with way more life experience than me and the kind of quiet humility that exasperated my ego. (that humility is still there – some things never change).

Navigating the change

Fast forward five and half years and we have four businesses between us, a cat, a home, and a small mountain of responsibilities. We could not be more different today than we were the day we met, but the important thing is that our relationship has not been affected. It has evolved, adapted and grown with us. That’s life. Circumstances change and these events, along with age and experience, alter our view on the world and change our personalities and opinions.

Through this change, couples either grow together or grow apart. If you grow apart then relationships deteriorate and fights, marriage counseling and the big “D” begin lurking on the horizon. As we have grown, my (now) husband and I have pulled together. We keep communication open, honest and constant to remain on top of how we are feeling.

You cannot predict how you and your partner will react to the curveballs that life throws at you. You can only hope that you’ve endured enough by the time you get married to know enough about the person to make it through whatever hard times lie ahead.

Before getting married, my husband openly chatted with me about two possible scenarios. The first was the kind of gradual change over years or even decades that could see us grow apart as we changed as individuals. Sure we’re crazy about each other now, and we’re both sure we will be that old 80-something couple sitting on the bench holding hands… But what if, somewhere along the road between now and then, we reach a fork and go off in different directions?

The second scenario was the meteor kind. What would happen, he asked me, if he was in an accident that caused damage to his brain and completely altered his personality? As caring and loving as he is right now, what if some terrible injury turned him into an abusive jerk? Sure, unlikely, but it happens, and we’re the kind of people who like to take a step back, look at things rationally and make the necessary decisions. Our view was simple… Let’s rather plan for the worst when things are at their best. Let’s make the decisions now, while we still care so deeply about each other, about how we would handle any of these situations.

It is, after all, just a piece of paper

It may sound unromantic, but logic is important when embarking on marriage. So my advice: make sure you and your partner draw up an antenuptial contract so that you and your assets are protected. The process of divorce is devastating and needn’t be dragged out with confusion about money and who owns what. One simple document drafted by a lawyer today can potentially save you a lot of heartache and expense in the future, should it ever get to that point.

It’s not a case of planning to fail, but it does make sense to go into marriage knowing that divorce is a possibility. You cannot predict the future, nor can you be sure that the person you love today will be the same person you love in ten, twenty or fifty years’ time. Protect your heart and your expectations.